Too depressed...

hey..
i dont like home nowadays...
i feel very emotionally disturbed by my parents very often nowadays...
teenagers move away from family members...
that is what they all say...
balls to them...
if you accuse them for things they never do or assume that they will do its seriously not their fault..
neither is it their's for hating to be home where all that happens is just blamings and accusings...
if im like a corpse roaming around, let it be...
because i find it easier to be strong that way rather than to fight and argue against you everytime....
I was never like this last year...
as in emoing and all...
because i knew i didnt have the rights to...
i never proved myself academically or anything..
i never did anything to make you proud of me...
and so i had absolutely no rights to fight back when you said things like why cant you be like other children who understand their parents and strive to make them proud...
firstly you should never compare your child with other's children...
but i wasnt bothered by all that...
i was very happy and that was all that mattered to me then...
a very carefree life with nothing to worry about...marks, education, character...nothing!
but then life was good....i would be angry that you scold me...
but always forget about it soon...because again...i did nothing to prove that whatever you think or said about me is false...
but this year...
i just changed...
everything..
the perspective in which i looked at life....
no guys...no bad behaviour...
only my education...
and i did see the reult...
a very good one..
and i know you saw the difference too...because you yourself told me countless times how happy and proud you are of me for my change...and also that that was the best give any child could ever give a parent...
i felt accomplished...
but i never complained when all these straight As targets were set for me...
i never complained when you didnt send me for music classes or piano classes ...
even when you knew that was something i always wanted to do since young...
when i asked you last year you told me to prove myself academically first...
but i didnt cry or throw tantrums when you kept on dismissing the subject when i asked you about it after proving myself...
instead i watched and admired those who played the piano or sang profesionally...
silently wishing within myself that i would be able to be like them when i grow up...
full of hope that i would be able to experience it atleast a day before i die..
i grew up thinking for you more than myself..
if you woul like it or not...
i forgot about myslf...
like a corpse who had no feelings...
instead i aimed higher for my education...
took on an extra subject...
gave tuition to a girl...
i never broke down under the stress...
and when i felt like doing so i just kept telling myself not to give up as this was what that made you proud and that i should go to whatever extend to give you this present...
if you are going to say this is for your own good...nope..
im happy with a clerical job...
but all these aims...its for you...
i gave up the idea of taking physics the one thing that i wished to pursue and do till the end of my life because you wanted me to do medicine...
and guess what?
i just gave it up...silently longing that one day you will just say bavithra, im happy with whatever you do as long as you remain as my daughter. i will always support you....
but you didnt...
im sure it made you very proud to go around teling people what an achiever your daughter is..how she always respects you...
but what makes me depressed...is that after all these that i did for you...
you still complained...assumed...
things that were not even there...
hurt me...
caused me to experience so much of hatred that i didnt even feel like talking to you anymore...
now...im not angry when you blame me...
i feel hurt...i feel helpless...what more can i do to prove you that you are wrong?
you will never know how i felt when you said that to me yesterday...
i shivered when i heard your words...at the thought of how inhumane you could be to your own daughter...
but i couldnt say anything..didnt too..
for i knew i would cry if i opened my mouth to say anything...
and so i dindt...until this very moment...
im going to be strong...
i wont let this affect me as long as im free of guilt...
i could stare at you straight in your eyes when you said all that to me because i didnt fear looking at you....
and i never will..
im going to live for myselft...
i will study for my benefit...
not for yours...
so that when you accuse me of anything next time i wont feel sad..
but what has been done can never be undone...
be it good or bad...
my sacrifices for you can never be undone and so can your words that had hurt me...
i never asked you for anything...
but now i ask you...
silently within myself...
just how much more do you want me to take?
after all these...
whatever you have done to me is the worst a parent can ever do to a child...
bobo...
i had forgotten who i was.
just lost myslf.
instead i thought for you.
but after all these, you could hurt me that easily.
pour down words at me.
all i can ever ask now is that,
will everything be alright?
will you finally see me for who i am on the inside?
you were the best present i have ever received and
i would be a nobody if you were not there.
for i just know that i love you.
very much.
which explains the pain when i heard your accuses.
but love can never be changed.
all i can do now i sit down and hope that
my dreams as a daughter will come true.
like a wish from a fairy...